Desperately seeking…errr…me!

Posted on April 24, 2020


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA1984 to 1988, in London, England, reading law.

Other than the first year, they were hard years.

Second year, living on my own in Shepherd’s Bush, was probably the worst.

Holding 2 jobs down, broke the last few days of every month and, worst of all, distracted away from my law studies by one question that simply  would not go away.

That one question would, in time, lead to two more, the last of which continues to follow me to this day.

That first question?

Did God make man, or man make God?

The second and the third?

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Through the turmoil, mental and emotional, I somehow managed to turn my attention to the law books, scraped through the exams, got back, started legal practice, fathered children, and with the wealth of experience that came with all of this, that first, paramount question, came to be answered.


To a question sent to me by Whatsapp after my Taking on UMNO post in relation to my use of the word ‘universe’ in the phrase, “Or the path the universe had chosen for me”, I replied : “The universe, Allah, Elohim, Gurunana, Shiva. The Quran says call upon him by any name, for the greatest names belong to him. Read my Jambuist (Jambuism, atually) post”.

In May, 2011,  having just quit legal practice and starting life as a full-time activist,  I found myself transported into Singapore for the Arts Festival to take part in the reading of the Baling Talks. We were supposed to go back by bus after the event but I stayed back to catch up with some Malaysians residing there.

At Changi Airport,waiting for my flight back, I was at the bookshop, browsing

The title of a book caught my eye, and I missed a heartbeat.

The Ego TrickWhat Does It Mean To Be You? 

As I read the introduction, a sense of relief came over me.

I had found one other person in this world who was preoccupied with the very same question!

Julian Baggini.

Damn! He had written a book on this!

ego trick

If I was mad, at least I was not alone.

What with activism and the 13th GE and all, it took me a good 2 1/2 years to go through the book twice.

And now, courtesy of this MCO, I have started my third reading.

Has the second question been answered?

Yes, for some time now.

I am, not what I see in the mirror, but the sum total of all of my experiences, good and bad, recalled or otherwise.

A piece of canvas, stretched on an easel, a work in progress.

Again, experiential.

The universe and I, experientially linked.


The ‘I’?



An overweight sperm, passing through this earth, waiting to return to mothership.

What of the last question?

Why am I here?

Heck, why are we all here?

Like me would you, too, like to know?

Listen, then, as the universe speaks.

Truly, through the nightmare of this pandemic, she lays before us all the ugliness on our half-painted canvases.

If we will only listen.